


Love Song, Interrupted

by ALiCEonLSD



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, Vulcan emotion is no joking matter, Vulcans do feel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-26
Updated: 2014-02-26
Packaged: 2018-01-13 21:32:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1241467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALiCEonLSD/pseuds/ALiCEonLSD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It took heartbreak for Spock to feel. He's pretty sure Surak cringes in his grave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Song, Interrupted

**Author's Note:**

> Not for the weak of heart, mind you.

 

 

 _You never truly understand the value of something you got until it is lost_ , Amanda once said.

Spock has always found the expression most peculiar and completely illogical.

 _~*~_  

Spock watches Jim wither by ionizing radiation behind glass by the hands of _Khan_.

His mother was a wise woman.

  _~*~_  

”Tell me that you love me and that I am everything you've ever wished for,” Nyota whispers into the darkness, where they lie naked beside each other, bodies completely spent. ”Say that you desire me above all.”

Spock closes his eyes.

”I can not,” he says bluntly, and feels a sting of sorrow go through him at it. ”It would be falsehood.”

”Then lie,” Nyota mumbles softly and gropes with desperate hands after him. ”Please. I just need some hope.”

 _Vulcans cannot lie_ , is another expression which has always marveled Spock, because he is perfectly capable of telling untruth.

And for the first time in 23.7 years, he does.

 _~*~_  

Mere facts prove heartbreaking. _He does not hold you dear_ , Spock reminds himself of yet another time. _He does not love you_.

Spock repeats this over and over again. It does not take away the edge of the heartache.

_~*~_

Spock starts daydreaming about Vulcan sun and Kolinahr. And he wonders, if Starfleet and space really are a place for love tragedies and emotional Vulcans.

_~*~_

Carol Marcus is just as beautiful as she is redundant. Jim's eyes sparkle with pride and infatuation anytime she discusses advanced quantum physics or mechatronics, and everyone just adores her. It is enough to make Spock's strongly erected shields falter. He tries to prove himself to Jim by rabbling the most advanced piece of scientific material he knows of. A sheer, desperate cry for attention – _See, Captain? I am intelligent, too!_

It is most juvenile, he is aware, and he does not really know what reaction he expects.

Because in reality, they all just fall silent instead.

_~*~_

If distance between them is bad, casual touching is even worse. A pat on the shoulder every now and then, brief contact of the skin on their wrists.

It takes seven years for the Vulcan body to regenerate all of its cells. So in seven years, Spock would live inside of a body never touched by the Captain.

He longs.

_~*~_

Spock tries to meditate, tries to ignore the declarations of undying love and the unmistakable sound of sexual congress coming from the Captain's quarters.

He erects shield after shield after shield.

He is Vulcan.

He will only feel when he allows himself to it.

 _Kaiidth_.

_~*~_

He carries on his duties as First Officer as normal, pretending he doesn't notice the purple lovebites on his Captain's neck.

_~*~_

He loses himself in the strictly crafted sentences of Surak's teachings. There is no remorse there. No forgiveness. No tragic love stories.

Only cold facts, logic and staggering truth.

_~*~_

Nurse Christine Chapel is aware of the situation.

”Unrequited love is not a very good color on you, Commander,” she says. ”It depletes your character.” She falls silent. ”I know how you feel. I have been there myself.”

”I understand you take comfort in it,” Spock says, hoping no bitterness seeped out.

She cocks her head.

”Of course not. To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is one of the greatest burdens we can bring upon ourselves.”

That is when Spock decides to undergo the Kolinahr.

 _~*~_  

He fails the Kolinahr by a mile.

 _~*~_  

Spock daydreams about stellar evolution.

He compares himself to it in a childish analogy.

He is the nebula on the verge of becoming a super nova.

 _~*~_  

When Vulcan still was, there was a desert native mammal called the Rash'ik, and it was greatly cherished by the Vulcan people.

Because the Rash'ik was over 200 years old and the last one of its spicies, doomed to forever long for a mate which did not exist.

Spock can relate to this mammal awfully well.

_~*~_

Both he and McCoy are the Captain's best men.

Carol looks stunning in her white wedding dress as she walks up the aisle, followed by her three giggly bridesmaids. Jim looks at her like he has found the answer to the universe in her eyes as they declare undying love in front of God.

 _~*~_  

Spock takes the role as acting Captain when Jim is away on his honeymoon. With a determined and devoted hand he commands the bridge, while trying to ignore Nyota who is glaring daggers.

At one point he even relieves her of duty, because he'd had enough.

On days like these, he dreams daydreams which looks like nightmares. About the Vulcan sun imploding, about the Rash'ik crying out in agony and about red skies swallowed by blackness.

_~*~_

Doctor McCoy tends to hurl his opinions like bricks wrapped in velvet.

”Well, if you're ever gettin' robbed, at least there won't be any dignity left to be stolen,” he says and runs a tricorder over him again. ”You've lost almost eleven pounds, Spock. Anything you'd like to share with me?”

”No, Doctor. My privacy is none of your concern.”

”I'm a the CMO of this vessel, I can pry in your masturbatory habits if I believe it would be relevant. Your serotonin levels are low even by Vulcan standards, so spill.”

Spock doesn't answer.

He leaves.

_~*~_

”Soo, what do you think?”

Spock looks down at the fussing baby boy in the crib, and wonders how many hearts he will break when the time is ripe.

”We're going to name him David.”

”He has inherited your eyes,” Spock says, because he has heard how many new parents like to get their offspring's physical resemblance to them acknowledged. Jim practically glows with pride.

~*~

 _It's almost unfair_ , he thinks, because Cinderella did not get her foot sliced up by a glass shard.

He is comparing his misery to Terran fairytales.

He can almost sense how Surak cringes in his grave.

~*~

It's a discrete ache, a dull throbbing, an itch you're trying to ignore. Keeping on living like everything is normal, while the surroundings are passing in slow motion. Watching people grow into different people. Watching them learn from each other. Or from the hard way. Seeing families unite and tear apart.

See a child taking its first steps, say its first words.

Because in the end, what is not more dear?

 

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Heroes, James Mangold and Federico Garcia Lorca.  
> Please leave a comment, let me know what you thought :)


End file.
